who is your alter ego?

I originally created the persona LenoreDallas to be my alter ego; a woman who is following her dreams and loving life.

That’s what I want for myself. I want to be confident in who I am. That is something I have struggled with my whole life. I always felt “not good enough”.

It’s time for me to shed that shell and give God the glory He deserves. He didn’t make me “less than”. I am beautiful and victorious!

God says so!!

Now, who is YOUR alter ego?

Is My Anxiety Real?

I am so sick of this Shelter in Place due to Covid-19. I’ve had enough. I feel like I’m suffocating! I’m not one to spend alot of time away from home, but just feeling like it’s not safe out there is taking a toll on me.

When you have issues with depression and anxiety anyway, this sort of situation can become too much! I’m doing my part and trying to keep myself busy. On top of that, I’ve been battling allergies these last couple of days. 😦 I’m just ready for this to end, but I feel like God is trying to show me something during this downtime.

Am I the only one who isn’t sure how much of her anxiety is real and how much is manufactured?

It’s all about focus!

This quarantine has affected me in ways I didn’t anticipate. It’s forcing me to focus on myself in a different kind of way.

I’ve prayed so long and hard for God to give me the things that I have now. But I’m struggling internally. I need Him to show me how to put it all together to create a new life.

I know it won’t be easy but I know God loves me and He will help me if I just ask Him.

Life Changes: Permanently Retired

So much has happened since my last post when I was going into residential treatment for PTSD! While I was there, I resigned from my job and I have been out of work since then.

But God has prevailed! I am permanently disabled by way of the VA, so I no longer have to worry about how my family is going to make it financially without my working. I am at home full time now and let me tell you, it really does take some getting used to!

In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic, I am relearning what things I enjoy and what things bring me peace. I’m so grateful to God that Cedric is working from home. With the status of this pandemic, him being here with me brings me peace. I’m learning to adjust to my limitations (mentally) and learning how to not burden myself too much. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok.

I’m also trying to concentrate more on my body and what it needs; daily movement and healthy food! I’m trying to get my life back.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity!

Life Changes: Inpatient Treatment

Last week I returned home from a 9 week, residential PTSD program. I never thought that I would go into something like that, but my therapist recommended it and my husband and sister thought it would really help me. I wasn’t so sure.

But I agreed to go just because if there was a CHANCE it would help me, I couldn’t pass it up. I was struggling at work, struggling at home and just plain miserable. My life just consisted of work and home in front of the tv. I avoided spending time with friends. Getting up every day and going to work had become torture for me. I was irritable, exhausted from no sleep and nightmares and I really didn’t know how much longer I could last that way.

During my 9 weeks there, I learned so much about myself. My therapist and I were able to dissect some of my past traumas and they told the whole story of why I was struggling so much! We got to the bottom of things and I learned a new way to deal with some of my persistent “automatic thoughts”.

Am I cured? NO.

Have I learned ways to cope with my PTSD so that it doesn’t control my life? Absolutely!

I’m very thankful for the VA hospital and the people who helped me. Now, it’s up to me.

Life Changes: My Boy Moved Out

ramel-grafitti

My boy moved out yesterday.

Ramel is 20 years old and he moved into his first apartment yesterday. I am so proud of him! When I came home and saw his room empty, it kind of stunned me. It’s been just him and I since he was 3 years old. He means the world to me.

I pray that God keeps His hands on him and I told him, I’m always here for him.

Thank you Lord for helping me raise Ramel on my own. Thank you for the man that he has become!

Time to Remove the Cloak

Central Park Bliss

Ok.

After talking to my therapist last week, I have been trying to realize the negative thoughts that I have WHEN I have them so that I can practice “letting them go”. I realize that once a thought gets into my head, I kind of run with it and when it’s a negative one, it can influence your entire day.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t know that you could control your thoughts. I believed you had to think whatever fell into your head.

Not so.

When you’re forced to deal with the public all day, it can be extremely hard to stay on point. The first few days I tried letting go of the negative as it came, it worked wonderfully. But by day 3, I was struggling. I have to literally take it minute by minute.

My depression has me feeling like I am wearing a heavy cloak on my shoulders. I’m tired of lugging it around. I’ve got to let it go.

Lord please help me.

I’ve Got to Keep My Focus!

SunnyAM_NYC

Are you like me?

Do you allow your thoughts to dictate your feelings and how your day goes?

God says that I can control my thoughts. I can choose to  think positive thoughts that will help me to stay in peace.

I’m thankful for the teachings of Joyce Meyer that showed me how to fight on the battlefield of the mind!

Sometimes we go on day to day and forget or lose focus. I’m tired of getting beat up by the devil.

I will not allow him to control my thoughts! With Jesus’ help I can be positive and live a powerful life!

The armor is raised.

The torch is lit.

Let’s go!

Amazing What One Day Will Do

A few days ago was a bugger! I had this big, long blog post to put on here, but my husband let me know that I may have needed to adjust it alittle before I posted it. I decided it was more of a personal rant and I decided to not post it at all.

Some days are worse than others. I had to take yesterday off just to breathe and I am always amazed at how much better I feel. Sometimes, when you have an invisible illness, it’s easy to feel guilty when you feel like you need a break. There are times when you can’t really explain why you need a break, you just DO!

But the way I stop feeling guilty about it is by realizing how much better I feel after I get a minute to myself. I can think. I can plan. I can be productive on my own terms. I need that.

I would love to one day be at home permanently, but until then, I just ask God to help me to take it one day at a time.Brownstone Alley

My PTSD Wears on Me

There are some days when it’s hard to get up. This was one of those days. My husband woke me in the wee hours of the morning from a nightmare. He says I was yelling and speaking some kind of gibberish. I remember the nightmare. I was being chased by something awful.

I hate when things like that happen because I don’t want to frighten him. My PTSD and anxiety wears on me and I wish it didn’t have to wear on him too. I’m very thankful to have such a supportive husband. He just put his hands on me and said “its ok baby” to wake me out of it.

Lord, you know the things I struggle with daily. Help me and give me the strength to go through.red-sky

Life Changes: I Got Married

I got married on March 17, 2017. I had been single since an online relationship from 2012-2014. Before that, I had been single since getting divorced from my first husband in 2001. That’s over 10 years alone! I have been raising my son on my own since he was 3 years old.

I Thank God for him every day of my life!
My divorce was very painful but let me say, God made up for it all! The husband I have now has surpassed my wildest dreams! I didn’t go after this man. God sent him to me. I had known Cedric for a year or so before we started talking and dating. He was my coworker at a job I had in downtown Dallas. We both were Christians and he was always reading. That’s what made me speak to him: He was a fellow book lover!

We dated for a year (during which I had my kidney surgery) and were married on March 17th. I have never had someone who loved me so thoroughly. Cedric takes care of me in every way. I never knew men like him even existed. I thank God for him every day of my life!

Hold on!
TO MY SINGLE SISTERS OUT THERE PRAYING FOR A GODLY HUSBAND:
Wait on God! No matter how long it takes, the wait will be worth it! Your tears are not ignored by God. He knows just the kind of man you need in your life.

HOLD ON!

10917049_10154061222227841_4385545218910329695_n

Life Changes: Kidney Removal

I had my left kidney removed at the end of March 2016. I had gone in to the
ER due to stomach pains (which turned out to be ovarian cysts) and the doctors did a CT Scan. That’s when they noticed the lesion on my kidney. I was told shortly thereafter that is was indeed cancer, but the place it was located inside of the kidney made it probable that it could reoccur after being removed.
I was devastated. I just remember being so scared! That big C word is very frightening. I was set up for surgery during the last week of March 2016 and ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days.
Even though the surgery was 2 years ago, I am still recovering mentally. I know that sounds strange, but ever since the surgery, I feel different. My now husband was there for me during my recovery and I am so grateful! It seems like the kidney removal began a downward spiral for me mentally. It made me feel “broken”. It’s been scary knowing that I’ve added one more thing to my list of health issues to watch out for. I am already a type 2 diabetic who suffers from depression and PTSD.
God brought me through the surgery with a clean bill of health and I am so thankful! The recovery was long, but He had put someone in my life to be there for me when I needed it the most. God is ALWAYS FAITHFUL!
homewoodsuites1

Me, My Issues and God Grace